Killer klowns from outer space ice cream truck

Well, thanks to you, I’ll now subject myself to 86 minutes of alien clowns. I’ll be doing the review in my typical, rapid reaction style, which totally didn’t help make these reviews any shorter. This one is in fact going to be coming in 3 parts. Oh well, strap in kids, it’s time to send in the clowns.

-First thought, this is the world’s most unsettling dvd menu. I wish I could show it to you properly. It’s like being inside the mind of a paranoid schizophrenic with a bad case of coulrophobia.

-For those of you that didn’t know, the band Chiodos got it’s name from the directors of this film. Please don’t take that as a suggestion to listen to Chiodos.

-So the film has it’s own theme song, that plays after the opening credits, you can hear it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBzeVkcJnVE I’ll be very surprised if I’m not pushing for The Glenn Robinsons to do a cover of it tomorrow.

-The first character we meet is Officer Mooney, a police officer who for some reason takes his hat off before getting into his car, then promptly puts it back on once he’s inside.

-Soon after we see an ice cream truck, featuring Jojo the Ice Cream Clown, who could be the villain of this film and I’d be just as disturbed.

-Turns out the ice cream truck drivers have decided to invade a local lover’s lane to try and peddle their wares. I’d say probably just a bit more annoying than being interrupted by the Zodiac Killer.

-After the ice cream truck is shooed away, the teens on Lover’s Lane catch a glimpse of what appears to be a comet crashing into the earth. This old man also sees it, and he is, quote “Hornswoggled”

-The old man is convinced it was Halley’s Comet and that he’s going to be rich since it landed in his backyard. I’ll attribute that entire line of thought to whiskey. He sets out to find it, as do some of our friends from Lover’s Lane. Who will get there first? Does anyone really care?

-If you were placing bets, the old man won, so fork over your cash. What does he find when he gets to the crash site? Why a giant circus tent of course. And this time he’ll be “greased and fried”

-The old man is thrilled to find the tent, because he’s a big fan of the circus, thus confirming his senility. Of course, he has to begin poking around.

-Long story short, his dog goes missing and he attempts to attack the circus tent, only to be electrocuted. Then this fine gentleman shows up.

-Meanwhile, Officer Mooney, sans hat, has brought some rambunctious college kids down to the police station for “boozing it up in the park.”

-We quickly learn that Mooney may be borderline psychotic, and absolutely hates college kids because they’re ruining his town. His acting is both too good, and too serious for this film. I approve.

-Elsewhere, our young couple in love begins trekking through the forest in search of the “comet” but not before the guy lays down a wonderfully stereotypical native American impression. Ah, the casual racism of the 1980’s.

-Much like Old Man River before them, the couple stumble upon the circus tent. The girl, who’s name is Deb, wants no part of it. Smart girl. The guy, who’s yet to be named, wants to take a closer look, so that’s obviously what they do.

-His name is Mike, which is just wonderful, I love sharing a name with meatheads. Meathead as he may be, he does what the old man couldn’t, and actually finds an entrance into the tent. He then assures Deb that she is going to love it. What’s not to love about a strange, seemingly abandoned circus tent in the middle of a forest? Chicks totally dig that.

-The inside of the tent looks like someone vomited the wardrobe of an 80’s jazzercise class all over the walls. Actually it kind of reminds me of the pastel nightmare that was seen in The Tale of the Thirteenth Floor.

-Mike then fucks around with some buttons and soon they’re in a room that looks like the Death Star if it were redecorated by Katy Perry.

-From this, Mike is able to piece together that they aren’t in a fun house. That’s some crack detective work there bud. They soon get in an argument over just exactly what is going on. Deb insists they’re inside a UFO, while Mike is confident that there’s a logical explanation for this.

-Mike is pretty adamant that they’re inside some manner of cotton candy factory, which shows a clear lack of understanding about how cotton candy is made. Deb, apparently a cotton candy connoisseur, has an intimate knowledge about how cotton candy is prepared, stored and presumably shipped. The bottom line: it’s not shaped like giant light bulbs and left hanging inside a giant circus tent in the middle of the forest. As someone who actually has to make cotton candy often, I can assure you that Deb is correct.

-Mike remains unconvinced, and tears off a piece of the candy, revealing what appears to be a severed head.

-There’s barely enough time to scream, before they have to run for cover as this upstanding citizen enters the room.

-Of course they can’t stay quiet and soon alert Prescott, who gives chase, toting what appears to be some kind of super soaker, or possibly a nerf gun. You be the judge.

-Deb and Mike escape, but not before Prescott fires popcorn at them. Apparently his goal was to inconvenience them the next time they do laundry. Prescott is soon joined by another clown, who I’ll call Archduke Terwilliger.

-Archduke makes a balloon animal in the shape of a dog, which then comes to life and begins chasing down Deb and Mike. Really readers, I can’t thank you enough for choosing this film.

-Our “heroes” manage to get back to their car and promptly back over Prescott and Archduke Terwilliger. It looks like they’re free of trouble, when suddenly another clown throws himself in front of the car like an illegal immigrant trying to get a lawsuit. I think I’ll call this one Jose.

-Jose is quickly thrown off the hood of the car, I certainly hope he wrote down their license plate number. Mike and Deb drive off into the night, clearly shaken by what has just occurred. Deb due to the terrifying encounter with the clowns, and Mike because his preconceived notions about the preparation and storage of cotton candy were all wrong.

-Deb and Mike head to the police station, while Prescott, Archduke Terwilliger, Jose, Smilin’ Pete and a couple of other clowns begin a slow walk into town.

-Deb and Mike begin to tell their completely ridiculous story to Officer Dave, the younger, less jaded police officer. As if on cue, however, Officer Mooney arrives and immediately begins patronizing them with all the condescendence of a classically trained stage actor who’s been reduced to starring in crappy B-Movies for a quick buck. Elsewhere, Prescott mingles with the locals.

– Despite Mooney’s objections, Officer Dave agrees to check out the circus tent. Of course they’re too late, as the clowns have already infiltrated the town and are now putting on low budget community puppet shows.

-The show only attracts someone who may be a hermaphrodite. I blame poor promotion. The clowns take out their frustration over the lack of attendance by killing said hermaphrodite with some sort of laser.

-Meanwhile, Prescott goes shopping.

-The car ride with Officer Dave becomes awkward for Mike as we learn Deb and Dave used to date. Unable to think of any witty retorts or ways to show he’s the better man, Mike’s only option is to sit in the backseat and look like a moron.

-Across town, Jose has been forced to get a job delivering pizzas in the wake of clown’s failing puppet show business. Tough times indeed.

-Hey look, it’s a cameo appearance by Phillip Seymour Hoffman!

We’ll leave it there for now. Check back in tomorrow for Part 2 of the review, hopefully.

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Top 7 killer klowns from outer space ice cream truck edited by Family Cuisine