The best soy latte that you ever had

Last night, I was at Gotham Comedy Club with a few friends, and the performers — Garfunkel & Oates, the chick equivalent of Flight of the Conchords — sang a medley of their least favorite songs that ended with a reference to “the best soy latte that you ever had.” I always knew that Train’s “Drops of Jupiter” was a terribly annoying song, but I had never listened to it very closely. Now, thanks to G&O, I’ve learned that it’s full of absolutely nonsensical lyrics. But you don’t have to take my word for it:

Now that shes back in the atmosphere With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey She acts like summer and walks like rain Reminds me that theres time to change, hey, hey Since the return from her stay on the moon She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Nice shortcut, Train: it is easier to create rhyming lyrics when every other line ends with “hey hey.” As for content, I’m not one to complain about ambiguous metaphors, but I have to wonder if “drops of Jupiter” is something similar to a “pearl necklace,” a charming slang term I learned earlier today. Thanks to this season of Project Runway, I even have a visual to go along with that thought.

Tell me did you sail across the sun Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star One without a permanent scar And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

I feel a little guilty and a lot lazy picking this song for my first blog post. It’s just such an easy target — in fact, it pretty much mocks itself. Because, um, no, I did not sail across the sun, nor did I fall for a shooting star. I’m not sure how scar tissue accumulates on said shooting stars, so I can’t even answer that question. However, I can say with complete certainty that I have no idea what Train is doing now, and I don’t miss those d-bags at all.

Now that shes back from that soul vacation Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo Reminds me that theres time to grow, hey, hey

OH SHIT. I think Train is sharing a woman with Akon: both ladies do the impossible (stay on the moon, sail on the sun, get impossibly bent over), both are kind of skeezy (Akon felt her creeping; Train caught her checking out Mozart), and both do tae-bo (I know approximately 4.7 million people who do yoga and/or pilates and exactly 0 who do tae-bo).

Now that shes back in the atmosphere Im afraid that she might think of me as plain ol jane Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

I’m pretty confident that even Train knows that last line makes no sense.

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day And head back to the milky way And tell me, did venus blow your mind Was it everything you wanted to find And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

“Blow” your mind. Heh heh. I’m still stuck on those “drops of Jupiter.”

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know youre wrong Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone Conversation The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

What is going on here? I completely understand the sadness I am supposed to feel at the prospect of a world with no love, good friends, first dances, and five-hour conversations, but that makes the rest of this verse even more confusing. Why deep fried chicken? Did you get this far in the song and just get hungry? No one wants to live in a world without love, but the kinds of girls who check out Mozart while they do tae-bo are not traditionally big on deep fried chicken. I would bet money that your lady is a vegan and — at a minimum — wouldn’t be caught dead at KFC.

It seems like you’re getting desperate by mid-verse with the reference to freeze dried romance. Please believe me when I say that freeze dried things are disgusting. I don’t care how hungry or lonely you think you are, you don’t want it. Finish the song, then get your fried chicken and see your lady friend, assuming she isn’t busy banging Akon.

By the end of the verse, you’re apparently daydreaming about your afternoon caffeine fix. This song is not going well. Take a break. I promise no one will steal it while you’re gone.

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day And head back toward the milky way

And here we are. Someone was hungry and loney and had a caffeine headache and threw in the towel with some repeat lyrics that were awful the first time we heard them. Good work, Train. And good work, America: this song reached #5 and stayed in the top 40 for about 8 months. But can any of the 2 million+ people who bought this album tell me what “drops of Jupiter” are?

Top 21 the best soy latte that you ever had